Dude, Where's My Test Tube?

Posted on Mon Jan 23rd, 2023 @ 8:43am by Ensign Tobias "Toby" Dienstag & Lieutenant Mariya Karashka Ph.D. & David Meddows MD-Ph.D. & Ensign Dora

0 words; about a 1 minute read

Mission: Mission 1: A Fool’s Errand
Location: Science Lab III
Timeline: M1 MD13 (2268.28.05) 0700

Toby was never late, never!

Sure there was that time he was signed off sick, but that was different: normally the human was early for his shift.

Ensign Dora turned its enormous, lustrous eyes to the chronometer as it clicked by. In exactly ten seconds, Toby would be officially late and the she-dragon would have his guts for garters. He started to count it down: Ten... Ni... Oh, slightly anticlimactically, the doors to Lab III slid open and in walked Dora's fellow Lab Rat and newly commissioned junior Science Officer.

For once, Dora's lazy, slightly creaky voice had a sense of urgency in it.

"Taaaagggsss! Where you been?!! Camp Commandant Car-crash wants to see you, like, yesterday, brother!" he groaned, pointing with one of his many, many scarily long, long digits toward Lieutenant Karashka's office.

"Oh no," Toby responded as a shudder went down his spine. The lieutenant may only have been 2 inches taller than him but it always seemed as though she towered over him. She certainly weighed more as Toby was a mere 100 lbs soaking wet. "I guess I'd better get there," he said, he wondered what she wanted. It was never good. Maybe Dr. Meddows destroyed Science Lab II and he was now on the hook for it.

The young ensign walked over to the door and then pressed the intercom, "Ensign Dienstag reporting," he said in a sheepish voice.

"Come!" the commanding voice of Lieutenant 'Car-Crash', as Dora liked to call her, sounded like it was going to blow the intercom off the wall.

"When he entered, she did her usual trick of pretending to read her screen for a while to leave him hanging, and then look up as if she'd forgotten he was there.

"Yes, Dienstag, what is this? It says here that the Captain has booked Lab Two for you, a Lieutenant Vox, who is something called a 'Trill', and Doctor Meddows to conduct some form of experiment in there around interstitial transportation loops."

She stood to her full height and sauntered around her desk pointing a stylus at him, from her electronic clipboard.

"Listen to me, Dienstag, I've known David Meddows for a long time. He was buffoon before his accident, and he is still a buffoon now. And as for this 'Trill', it contains a parasite which once lived inside some fellow idiot friend of Meddows; Torvin or Torbin, I forget. But any friend of Meddows is no friend to science and no friend to rational scientific thought or safe scientific experimentation. I am holding you personally responsible for the safety of Lab II and all it contains. I will not have any breakages, short circuits, accidentally summoned monsters, trips back in time, trips forward in time,.. NOTHING!"

She had circled round and was now standing right in front of him again.

"Is that clear?!"

"Yes ma'am," Toby responded, his hazel eyes were even wider than normal as though they would fall out of his eye sockets and roll across the floor. "To be perfectly honest lieutenant, I didn't chose this assignment... I can't stand Doctor Meddows, he is a quack..." His left hand started to jitter.

A strange look flickered across Karashka's eyes and with a lightning fast reflex she grabbed Toby's shaking hand.

"YES!!" she breathed "Yes, he is a quack! He is a quack and a bad scientist."

She let go of his hand and leaned back on her desk, probably more casually than he had ever seen her. Then she did something he had definitely never seen her do before: she smiled. Only a little smile, but definitely a smile.

"You probably think I'm a bit of an ogre, don't you Ensign?" she asked, her gaze steady upon him.

"You can be a bit tough Lieutenant," Toby responded, wondering if this was a test of honesty, loyalty or if he just looked appetizing today. Some days he wondered if the Camp Commandant could unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole.

She nodded ever so slightly. "You're right, I can be tough. I've had to be tough because despite what it says in all the Federation Charters and Fleet Declarations of Equality, life in the service is not a complete meritocracy."

She put the stylus on the desk behind her and smoothed down the skirt of her well upholstered blue uniform dress. "A person's gender, race, planet of origin and..." she seemed to hesitate and give a little swallow "... sexual preferences can and do affect promotion and posting opportunities: due to either conscious or unconscious bias." she said a little brittlely. Toby may have noticed a slight reddening of her cheeks as she tried to maintain her usual frigid dignity.

"I understand your meaning completely," Toby responded. He knew all too well, but he had yet to experience it himself. But maybe it was different for a woman, one a decade older than him.

"Well... being... a woman, I have to make sure that everything I do is perfect; and that means I sometimes have to be quite demanding of my staff. It's not personal, it's just the discipline of the service, remember that."

She tried that smile again, it looked sorta painful, like flexing a long disused muscle. "I think that you are a very talented young officer, Dienstag, just remember the discipline."

She stood straight, and moved back round behind her desk, which usually meant 'dismissed'. But as she sat, she looked up and spoke again.

"Oh, erm, there was something else. I understand that you are quite friendly with the Ardanan officer, oh, what was the name..." she frowned as if trying to remember "Thraxina was it?"

"Yes, Lieutenant Thraxina," the young man confirmed. This whole conversation was interesting. He and Dora didn't think she had anything in her other than work. Dora had this theory that Karashka had the points from her ears surgically removed to look more human. Although refering to her potential status as a Vulcan, Dora left open the possibility that she was the devil incarnate.

At this point, the ice maiden had gone an interesting shade of pink and was looking distractedly at the ceiling, not meeting Toby's eyes in her usual penetrating way.

"The Andarans have made many scientific advances which they are loath to share with the rest of the Federation. The forcefield that maintains their floating city in the sky for instance, and the exact process for refining Zenite. It would be beneficial for our understanding to be able to probe Lieutenant Thraxina on these subjects in a..." she waved her hands loftily "... non-formal setting. If you were, perhaps, seeing the girl in a social setting, it would not be entirely inappropriate to invite me along." she said.

She met his eyes again and affected that un-nerving smile.

"That's not an order of course, just a thought you might want to consider... for the advancement of our scientific knowledge."

"The lieutenant and I are only friends," Toby responded, "We are compatible in some ways but not others. We usually get breakfast around 0700 in the Mess Hall 1... So I'm sure you could just join us."

"I may very well do that." said Krashka primly "Now, you may return to your work... Toby." she tried that smile again. No, practice wasn't making it any less scary.

Despite have the extra leg to help, Dora wasn't exactly speedy on its lower fingertoes and was only just halfway back to its workstation when Toby exited the dragon's lair. It had been listening at the door!

"Duuuuude! That was so sweet..." it enthused in its tired and creaky voice "... she reached, man she totally reached..." Being genderless itself, Dora used to get gender pronouns mixed up, but Toby had patiently taught it how to tell the difference between male and female human.

"Brother, if you can fix the Commandant up on a date with the Thraxter, we gonna be living in clover in this lab, no more hard lip, no more Commandant acting the Herbert with us lil blueberries! You reach that Toberoonie?"

It was somewhat unfortunate that Ensign Dora had picked up most of its 'Federation Standard' from listening to music by 'Space Hippies' like Adam, Girl #1, and The Flowerpot People.

"I do not see any chance at hooking up the commandant with Thraxina," Toby responded, "Frankly even if Thraxina were interested, she could do a lot better." He sighed, "We need to get you some English language tapes... You sound like a cross between Dr. Meddows and the Koolaid guy."

"I don't reach this 'Koolaid Guy', but he sure sounds." babbled Dora. In other words, it'd never heard of him (unsurprisingly) but thought he sounded, well, kool.

Dora was careful not to comment on Meddows; it knew that Toby had a bit of a problem with the controversial ship's counselor, whereas Dora had started going to Dave's regular 'Love-Thinks' with the aforementioned Thraxina and some of the groovier crewmembers.

"It doesn't matter if The Crash gets it on down with the Thraxter" Dora reasoned "What matters is that The Crash sees you, my fine pink brother, trying to get them together."

He blinked his enormous eyes and scratched his scaly chin with one of those stick fingers.

"Hmmm, you told this one that Doctor Mike is going on a..." what had Toby called it? "... a Date Double when we reach Star Base "... take the Commandant along as the fourth wheel. She's your boss, dude, the excuse feeeeels."

"I guess I could try but I certainly would feel bad for Thraxxy. She probably wouldn't go for it," Toby responded with a sigh, "And I certainly won't look forward to spending my leave time on this." Toby sat back down at his console and sighed, "Can't things go smoothly for once?" He queried.

Dora shook its wallnutty head and uttered its funny little groany chuckle "Nyap-nyap-nyap. Believe me brother, Thrax can look after herself, and if you can convince the Car Crash that you're trying to help her do that Romance thing with her, every lil thing gonna be allllllright." It blinked its big eyes in satisfaction.

"It's smoooth sailing for us two from now on in!" it predicted.

The office door opened and the monster poked her head out.

"Ensign Dora, the sample... now!!" she barked.

Dora looked around its workbench, its massive eyes swiveling in panic, searching the area for the container it had been working on for the last two days. It looked imploringly at Toby.

"Dude, where's my test tube?"

The young man groaned, "Here," Toby responded, holding out the test tube with an eyeroll.

 

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